


One Step Forward

by Missyhissy3



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e26 Equinox, Episode: s06e21 Live Fast and Prosper, F/M, Friendship, Implied Relationships, Lower Decks Crew, The Equinox affair, Third party perspective on Janeway and Chakotay's relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:35:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25506028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missyhissy3/pseuds/Missyhissy3
Summary: Episode Coda to 'Live Fast and Prosper'. Janeway and Marla Gilmore have a long overdue chat
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Paramount clearly owns all the characters. Copyright:Paramount
> 
> Written for VAMB Secret Summer Story Exchange 2014. The request from Sibs was 'Janeway and Marla Gilmore have a long overdue chat.' Originally posted on fanfiction.net Sep 2014
> 
> It turned into two chats and a load of other stuff.
> 
> Thanks go to northernexposure for her beta-read and for her encouragement.

This was one of those precious days when life in the Delta Quadrant had put a smile on the face of _Voyager_ 's captain. The successful conclusion to their dealings with the three impersonators meant that she felt confident that, once again, she was the only Captain Kathryn Janeway representing Starfleet in this sector. The smile was still there at 21.30 hrs as she made her way towards the mess hall.

As she strolled in, the Doctor passed her at considerable speed, offering only a cursory nod in acknowledgment. Unlike his captain, he didn't seem to be in a particularly good mood. Once he had gone by, Janeway cocked her head to one side and indulged in a small smirk at his expense. Only the Doctor could find something to be annoyed about on a day like today.

Before choosing her meal, she paused at the serving hatch to take in the other late diners. Tom Paris and Neelix were seated near the centre of the room, engaged in a game involving three upturned cups and a terra nut. Janeway watched Neelix lift one of the cups to reveal the nut and chuckle; Paris rolled his eyes and threw up his hands in mock exasperation. The Captain smiled again. The success of their ambitious plan to con the con artists had been satisfying for all of the members of _Voyager_ 's crew involved, but there was no doubt it must have been particularly sweet a victory for these two. Both Neelix and Tom had been devastated a few days before when Janeway had been obliged to break the news to them about Sister's Dala's deception,

"Gentlemen, I believe you've been had."

Watching Neelix laugh reminded Janeway of earlier in the day when he had requested a few minutes with herself and her first officer. In the course of their investigations into how the impersonators had managed to acquire vessels from seven different worlds, several of the aggrieved parties had provided _Voyager_ 's command team with recordings of the three con artists at work. Neelix had asked if he could include a short extract from one of these recordings in a special edition of 'A Briefing with Neelix.' The command team had sat with him and watched the extract in question. When they had finally regained their composure, neither of them could deny Neelix's assertion that it was so exceptionally entertaining that it was guaranteed to enhance crew morale. Janeway hadn't hesitated to grant him permission to use it. This glimpse into the version of Federation diplomacy improvised by the strangely flirtatious 'Captain Kathryn Janeway' and her two diminutive sidekicks was something the crew should be allowed to enjoy in all its ridiculousness. They hadn't consulted Tuvok.

Neelix's broadcast had gone out at the end of Alpha shift and Janeway had watched it while she finished up a report. Even though it was her second viewing and she was alone in her ready room, she had ended up snorting with laughter again. It had raised her already good spirits a little further, and now, a few hours later, her mood still buoyant, rather than retiring to her quarters to eat alone she found herself actively seeking out company for her evening meal.

Despite the lateness of the hour, almost every table in the mess hall had occupants. Some were still finishing their meals and others were lingering to socialise with the latecomers. It had been an eventful day and, like Janeway, many members of the crew had worked past the end of the shift in order to tie up the ends of the away mission.

She took in Chakotay, seated at their usual table under the viewport and found that he was already watching her. He immediately nodded a greeting. She smiled in return and her gaze came to rest on the blonde hair of the person seated opposite him. She could only see the back of the woman's head, but Janeway instantly identified her.

Turning back to the serving hatch, Kathryn filled a plate with salad and took a few more moments to select a slice of the hearty looking bread Neelix had left out, her high spirits beginning to drain slowly away. She could feel Chakotay's eyes on her back. She picked up her plate and simply stood there for a moment, her gaze straying over to the doors leading out of the mess hall.

A few seconds later she turned back again, and with the appearance of composure, she started towards Chakotay and his dinner companion, her eyes sweeping over the other crewmembers present. As she passed she acknowledged the greetings offered by Neelix, her pilot and several others. The fixed smile now plastered firmly on her face no longer reached her eyes.

"Good evening, Captain," Chakotay said warmly.

The woman sitting opposite him looked up immediately, clearly startled by Janeway's arrival. "Captain, I... I presumed you'd already… Please, here…" Marla Gilmore faltered, half rising awkwardly, looking as if she wished she could dematerialise instantly so she would no longer be occupying the Captain's usual seat.

"Please, as you were." Janeway raised a hand in protest, causing the other woman to immediately sit back down. "I'm fine here." Janeway settled herself into the seat next to her first officer.

There could be little doubt that two of the three occupants of this table were in the process of speculating that this might well be the first interaction, other than the issuing and receiving of orders, that _Voyager_ 's captain had had with any of the ' _Equinox_ five'- a term still used by some - although seven months had now elapsed since they came aboard. The third occupant knew for certain that it was.

The colour gradually crept up Marla Gilmore's neck and face as she struggled to compose herself.

Chakotay turned to address his captain. "Marla was just telling me how much she enjoyed Neelix's broadcast this evening. Apparently, the consensus in engineering is that we could learn something from our impersonators about how to create a more lasting first impression."

"Really." Janeway replied, attempting to summon up a genial expression.

"I only meant… it was just a joke, Captain, I-" Gilmore flushed a little more.

"Of course. I presumed as much." Janeway's eyes flickered up from her plate to the engineer's face briefly as she loaded a forkful of salad. "The Commander and I were just as entertained, I assure you." She turned to Chakotay and a real smile graced her lips for the first time since she'd left the serving hatch.

His expression matched hers. "We certainly were. I may just have to learn the traditional blessing that the first officer seemed intent on offering every five minutes."

Gilmore seemed unable to share in their amusement and took another mouthful of her dinner. Only then did Janeway notice that Chakotay had already finished his meal. He glanced between the two women and then addressed them again.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I have holodeck time booked for hoverball and I don't want to be late. It's never a good idea to give my opponent a reason to get mad before the game's even started." He rose from his seat and picked up his plate. "See you in the morning."

"Enjoy your game, Commander," the Captain offered neutrally. "See you tomorrow."

Gilmore looked up, "Good evening, Sir."

Chakotay acknowledged her with a brief nod and a small smile and turned to walk away.

[TBC]


	2. Chapter 2

Marla's eyes followed Chakotay for a moment as he made his way to the serving hatch to return his plate and she failed to prevent her brow furrowing slightly before she looked down towards her meal again. The two women continued to eat in silence. The slightly forced light-heartedness that had surrounded the table a few moments before appeared to have had departed with _Voyager_ 's first officer.

Eventually, Gilmore's gaze left her food to rest on Janeway's face and she offered tentatively, "I'm glad you were able to contact the homeworlds of all those ships so easily."

"With two of the ships it wasn't easy at all actually," the Captain replied. "We were just lucky that Ensign Kim still recognised the particular warp signatures of those vessels. It's months since we passed through their sector."

"Oh, yes, I see," Marla faltered, "of course. Well, I'm just glad it's over then."

Janeway nodded in agreement. "Yes, so am I. It was galling to see how easily someone could exploit our reputation."

"And how easily it could be damaged by their behaviour. I…" Gilmore failed to complete her sentence, but found herself unable to tear her eyes away from Janeway's cool blue gaze. _Voyager_ 's captain looked down to select another forkful of salad and the moment passed.

Eventually, Janeway initiated conversation. "So, how did you think we compared to our impersonators? I have to admit I was quite taken by tiny Tuvok and his incessant quoting of Starfleet protocol."

"Yes, he was very entertaining, Captain." Gilmore agreed, grateful that Janeway had made an effort to lighten the mood again. "And perhaps the most convincing of the three."

"Oh? You didn't think much of my other little sidekick then? I thought he had the tattoo just right, wouldn't you say?"

"I guess," Gilmore replied. "But actually of the three, I thought he was the least like the real thing."

"I see. And what about 'Captain Janeway'?"

"Well.. I… She was nothing like you, Captain. She didn't have your… presence at all. She was all about appearances… obviously. All bluster and insincerity, with no real content to what she said."

"Thank you. It's good to know that at least to my crew she didn't seem like a Starfleet captain."

Janeway's inclusiveness caused Marla to smile for the first time since the Captain had seated herself at the table. The engineer studied Janeway's face for a moment before she addressed her. "Thank you for allowing me to become part of your crew, Captain. I can't tell you how grateful I am for this second chance. I know I don't deserve it."

Janeway's level gaze met hers. "Lieutenant Torres is pleased with your work."

"She's the best chief engineer I've ever worked for. I count myself very lucky to be part of her team."

Janeway sat back and took a sip of her drink before she spoke again. "You were chief engineer on the _Equinox_."

"Yes, but only by default." Marla was acutely aware of Janeway's appraising eyes boring into her and she felt as if she should try and explain herself. "After our chief engineer was killed in that first attack by the Krowtonan Guard, I had seniority in engineering, so Rudy- Captain Ransom put me in charge, but I wasn't always comfortable with it. I prefer to have someone on hand to defer to."

Gilmore took a small mouthful of her dinner and finished it before continuing. "Sometimes I find it hard to… to stand up to people." Her eyes left Janeway's to stray towards the viewport as she continued. "But I imagine you already know that."

"It's never easy, expressing a view that will be unpopular."

"No, it's not." Gilmore forced herself to look at Janeway again. "But I'm sure you don't have problems putting your points across or making yourself heard."

"And you do?" Janeway immediately deflected. "You did, with Ransom?"

"Captain Ransom was a charismatic person. I was eager to please him." Both women continued with their meals in silence for a minute or so, before Marla spoke again, her voice lowering slightly in volume. "But he wasn't the problem on that ship."

Janeway's level gaze remained focused. "Burke?"

"Yes. Max was a hard person; he could be ruthless if he thought the situation required it. He was the one who pushed for us to continue those… experiments. Once he'd decided on the course of action he wanted us to take, he pushed and pushed until he took Rudy with him."

"And then the rest of you followed?"

"Yes, we did. I did." Gilmore paused a moment before adding, "If we'd had a first officer like Commander Chakotay then maybe things would've been different."

"I think you'll find the word 'maybe' has no place in that sentence, crewman." Janeway's steely tone sliced through the semblance of geniality that had reigned between them until that moment.

Duly chastised, the other woman closed her eyes for a split second. "Of course. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" Gilmore's voice trailed off and Janeway arranged her cutlery on her plate.

Then the Captain pushed her abandoned meal to one side slightly, her gaze drifting towards the viewport. "You weren't the only ones who encountered a potentially deadly species from another realm. We had to deal with life forms from 'fluidic' space. The Borg refer to them as species 8472. Even though they had sworn to 'purge our galaxy', Commander Chakotay argued that it was wrong for me to ignore their rights. When I proposed a tactic that would've given the Borg the means to annihilate them, he fought me every inch of the way. He wanted to go around Borg space - _add years_ to our journey rather than harm this species from the other realm; so, yes, I think we can safely say things would have been different." Janeway tore thin strips off the bread she had chosen and ate them one by one as Marla looked on.

Several minutes of uneasy silence elapsed in this way before Gilmore spoke again, and when she did, she was hesitant - unsure as to whether she should proceed at all. "I know it's hard for you to believe, but Rudy was a good man... before. Max, he was different. He was already hard - in a way that Rudy wasn't. None of it seemed to get to Max; he didn't seem to struggle with any of it. And then no one could see a better solution. Once we'd accidentally killed that first creature, the damage was done."

The Captain completed the slow shredding of her slice of bread and then fixed Marla with her penetrating gaze again. "To be frank, from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem as if you tried very hard to find a better solution."

Marla swallowed, feeling the full force of Janeway's contempt, just as she had when she had stood to attention in the briefing room with her four crewmates on the day their ship had exploded, only this time Marla had to bear it alone. She had seen flickers of similar emotions pass through the expressions of other members of _Voyager_ 's crew on occasion over the past few months and she never felt antipathy towards them. She understood their discomfort, their disgust with what she had done. She shared it.

She decided this might be the best opportunity she was likely to get to risk asking the question that had withstood all her attempts to banish it from her mind for months now. She forced it out in spite of the sense of trepidation still plaguing her. "I… May I ask you something, Captain?"

"Go ahead." Janeway replied evenly.

"Have you ever wondered what would you have done if it had been your ship? If _Voyager_ had been in such a desperate state, would you have immediately dismissed a power source with that potential?"

"Yes, I've thought about it and no, I doubt I would have immediately dismissed something like that." Janeway's eyes left Gilmore's to look out of the viewport once more at the unfamiliar stars streaking past.

The engineer noticed the fingers of the Captain's right hand contracting into a fist as she continued her answer.

"I would've explored other possibilities with the Ankari. I would've explained more of those desperate circumstances and I would've explained what a source of nucleogenic particles would mean for us, rather than beginning covert experiments on the beings. But even if we had accidentally killed one of them somehow, I would still have gone back and tried to explain it to the Ankari. I would've asked them to negotiate with their spirits of good fortune on our behalf. I would've tried to find an alternative, non-sentient source of nucleogenic particles in their realm – the equivalent to plant life perhaps. Or I would've tried to find out how they dispose of their dead, for example. I would've tried to discover if we could've offered them anything that might've induced them to trade for a source of the particles."

The fingers of her right hand uncurled slightly and her gaze moved back to the woman who had been watching her intently throughout this speech. "In fact this was a strategy I discussed with my senior staff in the days after the _Equinox_ had been destroyed. But by then even the most optimistic of my officers had to agree that the diplomatic situation had been irreparably damaged."

Gilmore blanched, her pale complexion taking on a haunted look. "I can't believe that in all the time I've thought about this, and believe me, I've thought about it a lot, that option has never occurred to me. Once it all started, I thought it was kill or be killed." She smiled weakly. "Guess that's why you're the Captain and I'm a crewman."

A small mirthless smile curled Janeway's lips. "There's nearly always an alterative course of action, it's just not always easy to see."

"No. I guess not."

Both women had finished their meals now and Gilmore sensed that Janeway was about to leave. The pale blue pudding-like dessert the engineer had decided to risk looked even less appetising now than it had earlier, and rather than pick up the dessert spoon to start on it, Marla pushed the plate to one side.

"I don't expect you to understand, Captain. I'm not even sure I understand it yet myself. How I came to do those things. Before all this, before the Delta Quadrant, I always thought of myself as a gentle person. I try not to think about what my friends and family will say if- _when_ they find out about what happened."

Marla felt Janeway's eyes on her face for a long moment before the Captain replied.

"No doubt there will be some difficult conversations awaiting many of us. I'm sure this quadrant has taught us all some uncomfortable truths about ourselves."

"It still shocks me, when I think of what I was capable of. Before… I was someone who made good choices."

"We've all been pushed to our limits out here. It doesn't do to dwell on your mistakes. What's important is that you're able to focus on making a positive contribution now."

The discussion had become decidedly less comfortable for Marla Gilmore and she was acutely aware of the fact that _Voyager_ 's captain seemed keen to terminate it. Nevertheless, the engineer couldn't seem to stop herself from risking yet more questions while she had this chance, even as she felt it slipping away.

"Yes, Captain. I am. But I worry about what will happen if we make it home, _when_ we make it home. Dishonourable discharge? Or will there be a court martial? Will they go ahead and prosecute us? What do you think Starfleet Command will decide to do with us?"

Initially, Janeway's tone gave away nothing of her own feelings. "I don't know." Then the temperature in the vicinity of the two women seemed to drop and Gilmore looked on helplessly as the Captain continued. "But it seems likely you'll have plenty of time to consider the arguments you intend to use in your defence."

As soon as she'd finished her sentence, Janeway stood, pursing her lips and swallowing as if trying to get rid of an unpleasant taste in her mouth. Members of the crew could often be found with similar expressions on their faces in this room, but Marla felt sure that just this once, Neelix's cooking wasn't to blame.

"I still have some reports to read this evening, so I'll leave you to your dessert. Good evening."

"Good evening, Captain."

Janeway turned and made her way out, leaving Marla Gilmore alone with her insipid blue pudding and her thoughts; the latter even more unpalatable than the former.

[TBC]


	3. Chapter 3

Janeway entered the holodeck and paused for a moment outside the doors to Sandrine's French bistro. She smoothed her hands over her neatly styled hair and adjusted the jacket of her loose fitting, cream linen pantsuit.

The scene that met her when the doors opened was lively. Tom Paris's social events were usually well attended, but the turnout this evening was particularly high.

Janeway picked out Tom himself immediately. He was standing next to B'Elanna and Chakotay, both of whom appeared to be already well ensconced in their seats at the bar. Paris caught Janeway's eye, smiled broadly and started across the room in her direction. As he weaved his way towards her, Janeway took in Marla Gilmore, standing on the other side of Chakotay at the bar, a full glass of red wine in her hand. The blonde engineer was wearing a fitted sweater that hugged her figure and pants that accentuated her slim hips. Kathryn noted how much better the woman looked out of the Starfleet uniform that always seemed to swamp her.

"Captain! It's good to see you here." Paris greeted her. "And may I say you're looking lovely this evening."

"Thank you, Tom." Janeway smiled. "You know I like to put in an appearance at a celebration of our success like this whenever I can make the time."

"Well I'm certainly glad you made time tonight." He turned to stand at her side, surveying the scene with her. "It looks like everyone else has too. I'm not sure I've ever seen it quite so crowded in here! Great isn't it?" He smiled, then pointed towards the bar area. "Although you may find you have trouble getting served. Sandrine has been known to give her male customers preferential treatment. Come on, if she disgraces herself by ignoring you, I'll get you a drink myself."

As she followed Tom towards the bar, Janeway was convinced she could feel Marla Gilmore's eyes on her, tracking her progress across the room. Gilmore exchanged a few words with Chakotay, smiled and then turned to move quickly away to join a table full of people on the far side of the room that included Noah Lessing, James Morrow, Brian Sofin and Angelo Tassoni. All of them. They'd all come. Chell was sitting with them, talking, of course. Janeway and Tom arrived at the bar before she'd had time to identify the other two members of _Voyager_ 's crew standing at the far end of the _Equinox_ five's table. She greeted B'Elanna and then moved along the bar to stand on the other side of Chakotay's chair.

"Kathryn," he smiled warmly. "I'm glad you made it." He took in her attire and his dark eyes twinkled. "And out of uniform too. Did you spill coffee on it or something?"

Janeway shot him the withering look his attempt at humour deserved. "I'm rather overdressed actually, it's warm in here. I think I need to lose this jacket."

"Would you like to sit down?" he asked, immediately half-rising.

"No, thank you, I'm fine." Janeway's hand found its way to his shoulder to reinforce her words and keep him in his seat. She knew it would be easier to speak to him if they remained in their current positions, since the pumps she was wearing didn't lend her the height of the regulation heels and also, she intended to circulate in a little while. He settled back down and she slipped off her jacket and draped it over the back of his chair. Meanwhile, Tom Paris had positioned himself at the bar on the other side of B'Elanna and had already succeeded in getting the proprietress to present Kathryn with a glass of wine. She thanked him and he and B'Elanna resumed their conversation, leaving Janeway to her first officer.

Kathryn took a sip of the wine then looked over to Chakotay to find his eyes on the ocean blue wrap-over top she was wearing. The instant he became aware of her gaze he looked away and shifted in his seat slightly to angle himself towards her.

"You look lovely, Kathryn," he offered quietly.

"Thank you. At least I don't seem to have scared _you_ off yet." She motioned towards the group Marla Gilmore had joined. "Your drinking partner couldn't get away fast enough once she saw me coming."

Chakotay followed her gaze and then his eyes found hers again and he frowned. "What makes you say that?"

Janeway took another sip of her drink and then gave him a knowing look. "You mean to say you didn't get to hear all about our little _chat_ , after you left the poor woman alone with me in the mess hall yesterday evening?"

"Oh. That."

"Yes. That." Janeway sighed.

"Was it really that bad?"

Janeway's mouth twitched slightly while she considered how best to explain. "I just wasn't expecting to speak with her last night – for her to ask those sorts of questions. You and I haven't even discussed yet exactly what we're going to say to Command about them, if and when we manage to establish regular communication, that is."

"I see," Chakotay replied. "And you don't think she understood your position?"

He was still watching her and she wondered what exactly Gilmore had told him. She found herself wanting to justify her behaviour, even though in retrospect she actually felt a little uncomfortable about how that conversation had ended.

"No. I imagine she understood all too clearly. But I think she'd probably hoped that I would be more…supportive."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Kathryn. None of us like being put on the spot. Especially if, like you said, she was asking you about things you haven't discussed yet, let alone decided."

His comment was delivered without a hint of disapproval and Kathryn felt grateful for his understanding. She wasn't completely sure she deserved it in this case, but she felt grateful nonetheless. He was certainly being supportive.

She imagined that it was probably common knowledge among the crew that relations between her first officer and herself had been strained since the _Equinox_. Only a few weeks after that difficult chapter in the history of their friendship, a lingering mutual mistrust had been exposed by Seven's far-fetched conspiracy theories. Then, not long after that, they had found themselves in disagreement again when Janeway had decided they should repair the 'interactive' war memorial. And although he had even gone as far as encouraging her, saying it was nice to see her 'having a little fun', Kathryn still hadn't been able to shake the feeling that Chakotay hadn't really approved of her romantic relationship with the holographic bar tender in Fair Haven. Perhaps it was simply because Chakotay had been one of a small minority of the crew who had visited the simulation only once, whereas ever since the early days of their journey, he had regularly socialised in Sandrine's. She had been aware that something hadn't appealed to him about Fair Haven and had wondered vaguely whether she was somehow responsible.

As she stood at his shoulder and looked at him – really looked at him, his eyes on a level with hers and less distant than they had been in months - she was momentarily caught off guard by a sudden wave of longing for the days when they had been closer. The days when he would have called past her quarters to escort her to a gathering like this, when they would have arrived and left together. The warmth still there in his gaze and the complete lack of discernible antagonism, despite the difficult topic of this conversation, nourished her hope that they might still find a way to salvage their friendship. Maybe with a little effort, a little more time and a few more evenings like this, they could heal? It was only very recently, when she had woken up in sickbay after her eventful away mission with the crewmembers who had fallen through the net, that she had dared to begin to entertain this hope at all. Finding him there at her bedside again when she regained consciousness, and the genuine concern she had read in his eyes, had probably done her as much good as the hypospray the doctor had administered to counter her residual headache. But Kathryn believed the first step forward in the direction of repairing their friendship had been tentative. She didn't want them taking two steps back now because of her questionable behaviour towards Marla Gilmore - or towards any of the other former members of the _Equinox_ crew for that matter.

She put her hand on his shoulder and smiled. "Well, I'm glad that at least she feels comfortable enough to talk to you." She motioned towards the table where the five _Equinox_ crewmembers were seated. "That all five of them do. And I know how hard you've worked these last few months to ensure that everyone on the crew gives them a meaningful second chance. Please don't think that I underestimate the amount of time and energy you've devoted to this. And I'm sure it can't always have been easy." She became aware of the warmth of his skin through the thin fabric of his shirt and they held each other's gaze for a beat longer than she thought they really should, here, in full view of the crew, but she didn't even think about turning away from him. This was only the second time in several months she'd really felt close to him at all, and she was convinced they both needed it. Protocol be damned. It felt right to touch him, to encourage and to nourish the connection she'd once taken for granted.

The lighting was subdued in the bistro, but even so, Kathryn thought he'd coloured slightly on hearing her praise his work or perhaps on feeling the prolonged contact of her hand on his shoulder, but she didn't regret embarrassing him. It needed to be said.

Reluctantly, she removed her hand and picked up her drink to take another sip.

"No need to thank me; just doing my job." He smiled. "They're the ones that have done all the hard work, trying to gain the crew's acceptance. And I'd say they've all made even more of an effort recently, particularly Angelo, James and Marla."

Kathryn knew that it was legitimate for her to leave personnel issues to her first officer. However, she was also quite certain they were both well aware that while her input with other new crewmembers had been extensive, so far with these five, it had been completely non-existent. He instinctively understood her discomfort where they were concerned, and so he had enabled her to avoid it. Now, in the aftermath of her conversation with Gilmore, Janeway wondered if it wasn't in fact time that she faced her discomfort for what it was.

"I do hope she didn't say anything too damning just now about yesterday."

He leant towards her slightly and lowered his pitch, his soft voice only just reaching her ears. "She didn't actually mention you or that conversation at all, Kathryn."

Immediately Janeway felt relieved, but more than anything she felt foolish. "Oh, I see. Well, I'm glad to hear that," she replied at once, grateful that Chakotay was looking over at the tables on the other side of the room rather than still at her. She inhaled deeply, already succeeding in schooling her emotions back to a semblance of composure.

They both sipped their drinks again and then he offered quietly. "It's good to see them here, even if they still feel the need to stick together. It's the first time all five of them have come to anything like this and it's got to be a step in the right direction."

"Yes, it is." She smiled at him and put her hand on his shoulder once more as she leant in to deliver her next words close to his ear. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I think it's time I took a step in that direction myself."

She turned and set off across the room towards the table occupied by the five most recent additions to her crew.

[TBC]


	4. Chapter 4

Marla stood at the bar and watched Janeway make her entrance. Immediately, the engineer began to execute her retreat. She thanked Commander Chakotay again for having called Sandrine over to serve her and he smiled and offered to help whenever she needed a refill. Her own fruitless attempts to get a drink had left her standing at the bar for close to ten minutes. Not that it had been an unpleasant ten minutes.

She re-joined her crewmates and assumed her former position, standing slightly behind the chair on which Angelo Tassoni was seated. Noah Lessing was just making his way back from the bar as well, carrying two drinks. He moved past her to stand on the other side of Angelo and handed one of the glasses to a smaller man Marla recognised from Noah's section, but whose name she didn't yet know. The two men began to converse, while Marla rested one hand on the back of Angelo's chair and sipped her wine. She was content just to stand there for a moment and take in the scene. It was amazing there was anyone left to run the ship, it was so crowded in here. Clearly the success of the mission to expose the impersonators had left the crew in high spirits. Everyone she could remember meeting on _Voyager_ seemed to be there, apart from Commander Tuvok and Seven of Nine.

From this vantage point, Marla was easily able to follow Janeway's progress across the room. She watched the Captain move in to adopt the same stance at the bar in the space next to Chakotay that she herself had just vacated. Except Janeway stood closer to him. Marla watched the first officer's gaze linger over his captain's upper body as Janeway took off her jacket and arranged it over the back of his chair. He was clearly visible in profile, and although Marla could only see the back of Janeway's head, she suspected the woman was oblivious to the covert wanderings of her first officer's eyes. Marla continued to observe as the two of them exchanged a few more words and Janeway placed her hand on his shoulder. He was watching his captain's face now, his attention rapt, almost basking in her presence. The power Janeway wielded over him – unrelated to any authority conferred by the command structure - was obvious to Gilmore even at this distance. She wondered if _Voyager_ 's captain had any idea of the pull she still had over her first officer's heart. It also occurred to Marla that if Janeway _was_ aware of it, it might be hard for her to resist the temptation to use that unprofessional power at times when he didn't see eye to eye with her on professional issues.

Marla had been unsurprised the first time she had overheard someone imply that at one time there had been more than friendship between Janeway and Chakotay. That they were good friends seemed self-evident; that there could be more between them during their off-duty hours didn't require much stretch of the imagination at all. The longer they were stuck out here, the more likely it became that the crew would eventually start to pair off. So, unless Janeway had decided to do without real intimacy for the rest of her life, Marla presumed Chakotay would have featured pretty high up on any list of possibilities Janeway might have compiled for herself, and vice versa.

Subsequently, Marla had heard Chell refer to how close the command team had once been and then she had heard him go on to contrast it to how 'bad' things were between them now. It was at that point that she _had_ been surprised. Her position in engineering meant she didn't come into contact with Janeway and Chakotay together all that often, but if this was 'bad', then she had wondered what on earth 'good' must have looked like. 'Bad' seemed to involve an impressive level of communication, an almost telepathic ability to anticipate each other's thoughts and finish each other's sentences when assessing a problem in engineering, and a shared practice of injecting the occasional note of humour into stressful situations – something that had been sorely lacking on the _Equinox_. Marla had never witnessed Chakotay question Janeway's orders, and had never seen Janeway dismiss his views in the way that Max Burke had taken to dismissing Ransom's in the final weeks of their 'shared command'. She saw more of Chakotay than she did of Janeway, as he dealt with personnel issues and he frequented engineering for both work and social reasons, and in all these months she had never once picked up on or overheard anything whatsoever that implied there were difficulties between the first officer and his captain.

To her, Janeway and Chakotay's behaviour only served to throw further into relief the chaos amid which she'd been forced to operate on the _Equinox_. If only Ransom and Burke could have retained the respect for the command structure that was alive and well on _Voyager_ , then things might have been different. It had been their lax practices that had made it so easy for Max to undermine Rudy's authority and lead them down the path to the particular hell they had eventually made for themselves.

Very soon after meeting Janeway and Chakotay, Marla had been interested in determining for herself the exact nature of their off-duty relationship. The Commander had been her saviour. He had come to her rescue. His had been the first new face she had seen, and it had made quite an impression. She had replayed in her head many times over the moment when he had pulled the wreckage away and held out his hand towards her. During the short space of time that she had believed that they would be able to join forces with _Voyager_ and would be accepted by this new crew, Marla had already begun to entertain the possibility of new friendships. And at one point those warm brown eyes had set her mind wandering down another path as well - one that led to the possibility of more than friendship with the ship's first officer.

There had been no one on board the _Equinox_ with whom she would have considered entering into an intimate relationship. The only time she'd really thought seriously about relationships at all since they'd left the Alpha Quadrant had been during those few short weeks they'd spent with the Ponea. The Deputy Advisor for Extra Planetary Affairs had caught her eye and he had picked up on her interest instantaneously – Ponea culture was very welcoming and inclusive in such matters. Ransom hadn't objected to anyone finding diversion or comfort wherever they could, so there'd been no reason not to follow through. But that was a long time ago now. During the final months on the _Equinox_ , their existence had been so desperate, as they tried to hold the ship together and find food and fuel, that any other considerations had been completely irrelevant. Consequently, it had been a very welcome development for Marla when the first face she encountered from this attractive, well-built, fully functional ship, happened to belong to a man who seemed to possess some similar qualities.

It had been a short-lived fantasy, however. Once the nature of the experiments they'd been involved in had been exposed, she had immediately abandoned any hope that the attraction she felt for the Commander could ever be mutual. She had felt certain he would never understand. A few months down the line, his friendliness to all five of them had caused her to re-evaluate her initial assessment of him. But by this point, she had already observed him several times with his captain, both on and off duty, and Marla suspected that there was only one woman on this ship who would ever command his affections.

As to whether or not Janeway reciprocated his feelings, Marla had no idea. She was still very much in awe of Janeway and always felt incredibly awkward in her presence. It was obvious to Marla that _Voyager_ 's captain was an inspiring leader, creative in her thinking, incisive, brilliant and beautiful to boot, and she had the respect of her entire crew. Marla found herself daydreaming once, during a quiet shift, that she would do something so noteworthy and heroic that she would redeem herself in her new captain's eyes. Almost immediately the daydream unfolded, Marla had laughed at herself. As if. Janeway's avoidance of the _Equinox_ five had already become apparent. _Voyager_ 's captain would only ever tolerate their presence. Marla felt quite sure that she was one of the last five people on the ship who would ever know Janeway as anything other than her commanding officer. Consequently, she didn't entertain any expectation of being able to develop an insight into the woman's personal life.

There was another reason she always felt awkward with Janeway as well – one that had nothing to do with events in this quadrant and everything to do with home. Not only did Kathryn Janeway bear a slight physical resemblance to Alexandra Gilmore, Marla's eldest sister, but also, time and again, Janeway would do or say something or just look at someone in a way that would remind Marla of her strong, successful elder sister.

Having to deal with this unexpected reminder of family here of all places was extremely disconcerting. Sometimes, when she watched Janeway address the crew, Marla's memories of Alexandra's tenacity would surface - of the way her sister could seem driven to succeed regardless of the odds. It felt even more unnerving and paradoxical since the woman who reminded her constantly of the person she was closest to in the whole galaxy, was a woman who could barely stand to be in the same room as her. Janeway's obvious abhorrence of Marla's actions had given Marla the quite irrational feeling that Alexandra already knew what she'd done and had already condemned her. She also found herself reminded of how articulate Alexandra was and of the sway her opinions always seemed to have with their family and friends.

Alexandra had been the only member of Marla's family who could ever stand up to their overbearing bully of a father. When their mother's debilitating illness reduced the once active woman to a pair of watery eyes that begged for release from the slow torture that her life had become, their father never tired of pointing out that even a few years ago she would have died within days. He was forever reminding their mother that rather than complaining, (which she never actually did) she should be thankful that she was one of the first to benefit from the ground-breaking new treatments he was determined she undergo. Alexandra was the only one who could silence him and the only one who had finally succeeded in forcing him to consult his wife properly before committing her to yet more 'treatment'.

It was supposed to be impossible to contract an alien infection on Risa – especially an infection apparently native to the Gamma Quadrant like this one - but that was exactly what had happened to Marla's mother on the last vacation she had ever taken. Marla had been overwhelmed by the whole on-going ordeal and had been relieved when her work had taken her back into space. Alexandra had put her own life on hold and taken charge, determined to ensure their mother was allowed to live out whatever remained of her life on her own terms.

Before Marla left on her last mission, she and her sister had spoken at length and Alexandra had shocked Marla with the news that her partner of ten years had left her. She had mentioned a few months before how 'bad' things were between them, but Marla hadn't thought she'd meant her partner was on the verge of giving up on their relationship and moving out.

So when Marla overheard Chell lamenting how 'bad' things were between the command team, and how their romance hadn't been able withstand everything life out here had thrown at them, Marla had once again been struck by how Janeway always seemed to remind her of her sister somehow. Marla had then tactfully enquired what Chell meant exactly. She was a good listener, skilled at encouraging others to share, and the rotund Bolian seemed more than willing to talk - even to her - about his leaders and their 'special relationship'.

According to Chell, it was common knowledge that the Maquis captain had been captivated by Kathryn Janeway from early on in _Voyager_ 's journey and some sections of the crew presumed a relationship between them had begun at that time. Then, at the end of their second year in the Delta Quadrant, the command team had been quarantined alone together on an isolated planet for almost three months. _Voyager_ folklore held that it was their forced attempts to appear overly professional with each other on their return to the ship that had confirmed once and for all the existence of their intimate relationship. Chell maintained that it wasn't until they clashed over the Borg over a year later that they had begun to drift apart. After that things between them had gradually deteriorated further until they had finally hit rock bottom when they encountered the _Equinox_. Chell had informed her the consensus was that these days they were no longer romantically involved.

Marla began to wonder if that might be true when it became common knowledge that Janeway had found herself a holographic boyfriend in the Fair Haven simulation – surely not something she would need to do if she still had the services of her first officer at her disposal?

That was a while ago now though and the Fair Haven program was no longer up and running, and in the last week or two Marla had begun to notice the sort of behaviour between her commanding officers that might well have started the rumour mill turning all those years ago. Whenever they conferred in engineering - listening to a report or to a sales pitch from an alien touting some new device - invariably Janeway and Chakotay would unconsciously align themselves, the Commander slotting himself in immediately behind his captain, well inside her personal space like a protective wall, ready to back her up both literally and figuratively.

Now, as Marla inconspicuously observed them at the bar, the Commander looked over towards the table around which she and her fellow crewmembers were grouped. She couldn't imagine his gaze was being directed at them with any particular focus however, not when he had his captain all to himself, and within seconds his eyes were back on Janeway's face.

The past week, Marla had noticed them eating together more regularly and chatting over their meals with what looked to her like relaxed familiarity. On one such occasion, Marla had witnessed his face light up in response to something Janeway said, revealing a side to him that she'd never seen before. Regardless of whether the Captain returned his feelings, Marla was growing more convinced that Janeway had to be aware of his continued and increasingly obvious partiality. Anyone looking at him this evening couldn't fail to see it, surely? If things had really been 'bad' between them when she'd first arrived on the _Voyager_ , perhaps they were in the process of improving now?

Marla was indulging in such idle speculation as she watched Janeway lean in to say something directly into Chakotay's ear. Then Janeway turned away from the bar, and it was a few seconds before Marla made sense of what she was seeing. Janeway was heading purposefully towards their table. It was too late to escape. James Morrow and Brian Sofin were sitting across from Angelo and Chell, with a clear view of the bar area, and Marla glanced over and caught James's eye. His expression betrayed his surprise and confusion, bordering on alarm. For a split second Marla found herself daring to hope that the Captain might be heading his way, or towards another of the table's occupants, but when she looked back up, she could already feel Janeway's eyes on her.

Marla sighed. It appeared the Captain wasn't done with her. After last night, the engineer had vowed that she would try and avoid being alone again with Janeway whenever possible. She just didn't feel strong enough yet to endure more of Janeway's obvious contempt. Marla inhaled deeply and steeled herself for another uncomfortable interaction, attempting a welcoming smile as the Captain came to stand in front of her.

"Captain, good evening." Marla was surprised by the look of uncertainty on Janeway's face.

"Good evening. I hope I'm not intruding. I wonder if I could have a word with you? If you don't mind."

"Of course."

"Look, I'll get straight to it - I wanted to apologise for yesterday."

Marla knew her surprise must have been evident. She felt flustered as she searched for an appropriate reply. "Really, there's no need, there's nothing to-"

"I think there is. I'm sorry I didn't give you a better answer to your question about the future and the reception that'll await you in the event of our return. I wanted to explain."

Their eyes met, and Marla couldn't look away. "Really Captain, you don't have to explain yourself to me."

Janeway tilted her chin a fraction to the left and back just before she replied.

"Yes. I do. I owe you a proper, reasoned reply. And if you don't mind, I'd like you to hear me out." Both the mannerism and the sentiment – the unwillingness to settle for anything less than honesty - reminded Marla so much of her sister Alexandra once again. It was as if she could almost feel her sister's presence beside her, and it threw Marla even further off balance momentarily so that all she could do was nod.

Janeway continued. "There are several reasons why it's a hard question to answer. For a start, I haven't discussed it in detail yet with my senior officers and secondly, as a result of that, I haven't decided what requests or recommendations I intend to make concerning the five of you."

Janeway paused and Marla wondered if she was expecting a response, so she forced herself to produce one, unsure of what she was going to say even as she heard the words coming out of her mouth. "I understand. I'm not sure what to ask for yet myself. At the moment, I suppose I still feel like it's a certainty that we'll face a court martial."

"That's a possibility, I know, but it's far from the only one."

Janeway's penetrating gaze rooted Marla to the spot. She felt at that moment as if Janeway herself had the power to decide her fate.

The Captain went on, articulate as ever, despite her obvious discomfort, "Then, thirdly, your question reminded me of other difficult discussions that await us on our return. You aren't the only one whose behaviour will be scrutinised and who will have to answer for their actions."

Janeway looked down at the glass in her hand for a moment and paused before continuing. "Then, there's the status of the former Maquis. You must know that almost a third of the crew were former Maquis serving under Commander Chakotay. What will happen to them will also be a matter of negotiation, I presume. When you asked me what would happen to you, I should have explained these things to you; told you that I honestly don't know what will happen to the five of you, any more than I know what will happen to any of them. But what I do know is that I will argue that your service aboard _Voyager_ be taken into account. And I'll provide evidence of all you've accomplished on this ship and I'll argue on your behalf that it should count for something when decisions about your future are made."

Now that she had finished speaking, Janeway seemed to become aware of their surroundings again and of the incongruous setting she had chosen for this most serious of conversations. Marla had never seen the woman appear so self-conscious and uncomfortable; there wasn't even a hint of the dismissive tone that had infused her voice the previous evening. Marla searched for something to say, desperate to acknowledge how much she appreciated Janeway's humility, and how much it meant to her to follow a captain with such high standards of personal integrity, but before she had a chance to speak Janeway began again.

"I'm sorry to bring this up here, when you're off-duty and I imagine you're eager not to think about any of it, but I thought it might put right a little of what went wrong last night, and I hoped it might improve your evening."

"Thank you, Captain. I'm glad you did." Marla's smile was genuine. "I'm glad we had this conversation and you're right; it has improved my evening already. It means a lot to me to know that you think our service on board _Voyager_ should be taken into consideration, and that you're prepared to argue that on our behalf. I intend to do all I can to justify your decision to give me this second chance."

"I don't doubt it." Janeway returned the smile. Then Marla watched as the Captain looked past her to the man standing on the other side of Angelo's chair. Janeway's expression changed subtly. She licked her lips and swallowed. After a few seconds only, her voice came again. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to speak to Crewman Lessing."

"Of course." Marla stepped back to allow Janeway to pass. Then the engineer edged slightly further away to afford them some privacy. Noah looked uncomfortable enough already, so Marla tore her eyes away from them, and allowed her gaze to stray over the crowded room. As she did so, she found herself smiling and she was finally able to relax a little. Almost immediately, the conversation of the last five minutes began to come back to her, Janeway's words and phrases already replaying themselves in her mind.

For the first time since beaming aboard seven months ago, Marla began to entertain the possibility that, one day, there might come a time when she would feel like she actually belonged on board this ship.

[The End]


End file.
